I thought it would be a better alternative to mass emails, but now I'm not so sure. I feel so shy about putting my personal life out there for EVERYONE (literally everyone - with just my friends and family, I'm not that shy at all). I'm probably way overestimating the number of people interested in reading about my life, but a blog is like a permanent record out there - maybe not as bad as The Truman Show, but it's still pretty open.
Maybe if everything was good, it wouldn't be too hard to write about it. But if I want to tell the important people that I care about what's really going on in my life, I can't only put in the good things. And there are some really good things, but I'll get to that in a minute.
I don't suppose anyone really wants to hear my detailed list of woe, so I will just sum it up. Maybe the best way to explain it is to make a list of what I have learned. The hard way. In fact, this experience as a volunteer in Tanzania has been an extremely intense learning time - it's just that I'm learning about how things are supposed to be by things being the wrong way around. Here's what I have learned:
1. Even the most respected of volunteer sending agencies can have some massive organizational dysfunction.
2. Just because an organization or anyone, really, claims to adhere to social justice principles doesn't mean they do.
3. Glossy brochures do not mean anything.
4. Hypocrisy is loathsome.
5. People will lie to your face. And you will probably believe them.
6. Self-interest and the pursuit of money will make people do anything and compromise all ethics, principles, and laws.
7. Corruption is almost always NOT about needing money. It is a state of mind.
8. Without proper oversight, almost all people will take advantage.
9. People with power will do almost anything (and some people will do literally anything) to keep it.
10. It's really, really hard to be different and have everyone point it out. Every single day. And I'm not exaggerating.
11. It's really, really hard to listen to other people's mistaken assumptions about you. Almost every day.
12. Being stuck in a bad situation really, really sucks (ok, I already knew this one, but it still sucks)
13. Trying to work in solidarity for change highlights a lot of assumptions that need examination. Not that the assumptions were wrong, but they should be examined. And it can seem hopeless.
14. The shock of disappointment with no likelihood for improvement is really depressing.
15. My professional life is intrinsically connected to my overall contentment (this is actually a positive thing to learn).
....
And now for the good things in my life.
I'm getting married. Can anyone believe it? I don't know that I can myself. Of all the people I never thought would get married, I'm at the top of the list. What can I say?
I met the right guy.
And here's where I feel shy about putting my whole private life out for the whole world. So I'll give you the Reader's Digest version and anyone who really wants to know more can send me an email.
We met right after I arrived last year (and half!) and we took it one step at at time. I once had a conversation with a prof about not being sure if I wanted kids (hey now - don't freak out yet!). Her advice was that I had to find the love of my life first. My cynical self thought that was pish posh. But I found him and I wasn't even looking. My gut told me it was right at the very beginning and even though I preferred to let my level head make that decision later, my gut was probably gloating and telling my head "I told you so!" when we decided to get married. And really, don't freak out about the kids - I so need a stable job and we need a house before we can think about that.
What about him, you ask?
His name is Aziz. He's my friend and my...well, my mom is probably reading this, so I'll censor myself a little. He's a tour guide and is an expert in cultural tourism. I met him while doing a batik-making workshop. Cosmic forces were involved I think because we randomly ran into each other the next day and exchanged numbers. And the rest is history. I could just gush on and on, but I know what you're all thinking - "is he really all that?" And the answer is YES!! And to the worriers out there (I know who you are and what you're thinking too) - NO! There's nothing to be worried about.
The wedding is planned for August 31. There are a million details, like all weddings. My plan was to go simple and casual. But he's the one who wanted fancy. I find it very amusing - it's so the opposite of gender stereotypes. So I'm getting a dress made, and he's getting a suit. I have dangly earrings and silver shoes! And I'm flouting some traditions that I don't like the history of. My dress will be dove grey. We are negotiating the wedding norms of two cultures and trying to do things the way we want, but it can be complicated sometimes. I'm not completely in love with the Western tradition of marriage and he's not in love with the Tanzanian style either. We're doing our own thing - as much as we can without offending people.
Most weddings are serious all-out affairs here. People will forgo paying their rent, their utilities, and even their kids' school fees to put on a wedding. They usually throw a before-party or print up cards asking for donations to help them pay for the wedding. We think that's kind of tacky, so we're not doing it. But it's helping reduce expectations.
The one thing that is sad about all of it is that almost none of you will be there :( My brother and another friend are coming - yay! But don't worry too much. I am planning to have a second party when we get home (whenever that will be...) so that I can celebrate with all the people I love. I once commented to a friend that I wished I could have all the people I love in one room together at the same time. She replied that was what weddings were for. So, even though it won't be the official wedding, it will be close enough and I promise to serve cake.
So, to sum up the last 5 months, it's been the full spectrum from happy to very, very bad. So, thank god for the happy stuff.
