One Year!

Wow! I've now been in Tanzania for a whole year. It doesn't really seem like it - it's hard to believe.

In some ways I feel like I've adapted, but in other ways not at all. I can get by with my basic Swahili and I can pretty much navigate day-to-day life without any problems at all. But in other ways I don't feel like I completely fit in. The politics of race are certainly alive and well here. I will always be an outsider because of the color of my skin. The history of colonialism is still quite fresh. I sadly heard someone (a white guy) just today saying how much better things were during the days of colonialism.

In terms of my job, things are going as well as possible under the circumstances. I have reflected quite a bit about how my position was set up and what kind of support is provided by the organization that sent me and I had been a bit depressed by the reality versus the intent. Things are not perfect. In addition, a merger is coming that will mean I do not have the option to extend my contract and stay a bit longer. Despite all of that, I have looked at my limitations and decided what is possible to do within them. I think that there is still a lot I am able to do and I think I might even be able to make a small difference before the end of my contract.

This past year has taught me many things about myself and about what direction I want the path of my life to take. In a general sense, I want to DO something with my life - I always have. I hope that through my professional and personal life I can make a contribution of some kind to making the world a better place - toward moving humanity toward a more fair existence. I had thought that doing a volunteer placement like I am now would mean that despite all the things that present barriers to making change, I could be in control of my environment and do something worthwhile in my own little sphere. This has not been very realistic though, and it has been a big learning experience for me. There were a hundred things that preceded my arrival that I had no control over. In addition, I don't have control over the knowledge, attitudes, work and personal practices, and willingness to accept my contributions at my work. These things have consequences that affect me now and are affecting what I can do in my placement. It means that the onus is not 100% on me to make things work. I think that learning this has been both a bit disillusioning, but also very valuable. Overall, I don't necessarily want to change the path of my life, but I feel like learning this and other things will help me make better decisions about what to do next.

What to do next continues to be a big question mark for me. I still have a year left, so there is some time, but for probably the first time in my life, I'm not sure what it will be. I am a consummate planner, so this feels a little unsettling. I'm trying to just breathe deep and relax and hope that it will become clear.

As for the next year here, I plan to design and facilitate some training sessions for my organization. They have expressed a desire to have more individual level capacity building trainings, so that is what I want to try to do. I just have to convince them to stop throwing all the reports and grant proposals in my directions, so I can get the trainings ready to go.

Everything else is pretty ok. My stitches from the New Year's accident came out about a week after I got them and the nurse was really impressed with how it looked. The ER doc had said that he had a lot of experience with plastic surgery, so now it is difficult to even see the scar when I try to show people. My hair is growing back quite quickly as well. The ER nurse who shaved it was kind enough to leave a bit around the side of my head so that my other hair covered it up and now it's hardly noticeable at all.